Scotland is known for many things, but for those of you who are gastronomically inclined, think of Scotland by their three famous dishes: Haggis, Black Pudding, and Scotch. Scotch may not be considered a 'dish', but given the relatively unappealing nature of the former dishes, we think it important to include something that casts Scotland in a better light.

Adam and Aislinn after enjoying some scotch at the Balvenie Distillery.

For those of you who do not know what Black Pudding is: Picture Jello made with blood.  Groundskeeper Willie from the Simpsons provides the best summary for Haggis, "Get yer Haggis!!  Ground up sheep's stomach and lungs served in intestine!!  Tastes as good as it so-ounds!!"  Clearly whoever came up with this recipe had a sense of humour.  As for Scotch, Adam has been known to enjoy a glass or two of Scotch from time-to-time.  The Scots have  been known to have one or two bottles from time time-to-time.  In Adam's case, it's to take the edge off a hard day.  In the Scots' case it's to black out from a hard day.  Given the Scottish weather's alternating states of cold and sleety or gray and overcast, hard days are common.  Together these three dishes, Black Pudding, Haggis, and Scotch, illustrate the three major themes of all things Scottish: , Blood, Humour, and Forgetting.

Starting in Edinburgh we began our orientation to all things Scottish with a free tour.  As in Dublin, working only for tips, the tour guide was once again a consummate entertainer full of stories.

One of our favourite anecdotes explained medieval punishment prior to the prison system.  For minor crimes, such as stealing, you were punished by having your ear nailed to a door.  The door was under the town crier's platform  in the middle of town.  This made it easier for local folk to come and entertain themselves by shouting obscenities at you and pelting you with  rotting produce, there being no television in those days.  If you could withstand this  torture for 24 hours, the authorities would remove the nail from your ear, which would heal in time.  If the kids pelting you with spoiled celery proved to be too much, however, there was an alternative.  You could simply leave, ripping away from the door with all your might and leaving part of your ear behind.  The downside was that the ensuing scar would tell others that you were a criminal preventing you from ever getting employment again.  This made crime you're only viable career path afterwards.  It may not have been particularly logical but in many ways it was no worse than our modern correctional system and much simpler and more direct too.  

The ear door.

Another bloody good local story took  place in Grey friar's cemetery:  During the 18th and 19th century, Edinburgh was known for having one of the greatest medical schools in Europe.  As the school's popularity increased, the need for school supplies increased, including the need for cadavers for anatomy classes.  Given the indignity suffered by the body in medical dissection, legally only executed criminals could be used for this purpose.  With growing demand far outstripping available supply, and limited embalming technology making 'freshness' a necessity, the newly dead were a hot ticket item.   Grave robbing became an industry.  

Greyfriar's Cemetery.  Thought to be the source of many characters' names in the Harry Potter Series.

 

 

Aware of the instances of grave robbery, families had to create precautions to prevent their loved ones from  suffering  such indignities.  Richer families, who could afford it,  installed iron cages around each grave.  Poorer families, who couldn't afford the cages, could instead hire someone to watch the grave overnight for the two weeks until the body was guaranteed to be too putrid for study.  Hence the expression, "The graveyard shift." Still, some families could not afford either precaution and relied on hope that their loved ones would be okay, coffee not being widely available at the time.

Grave robbery prevention devices, or possibly Zombie cages.

To avoid the body being connected to a grave robbery, after stealing a corpse, the robbers would remove all identifying features, including clothing and jewellery.  In some cases the bodies swelled after death and it was difficult to remove the rings on people's fingers.  In  these  cases  the fingers were cut off to retrieve the rings.

In one exceptional case, two grave robbers tried to remove several fingers at once.  They realised something was  amiss when their corpse started to scream.  The act of removing her fingers had woken her from a coma.  

Strangely, being buried alive while in a coma was not entirely uncommon in those times.  The origin of holding a "Wake" for the deceased was a genuine attempt to make absolutely certain they were  dead by doing everything possible to wake them before the burial .  

Ilana, Adam's sister, would be happy to know that our tour guide mentioned her favourite Victorian invention, an above-ground bell attached to the wrists of the deceased. Anyone who was in fact alive, could simply ring his or her bell to notify the grave-keeper of this unfortunate medical misunderstanding.  This may be the origin of the sayings, "saved by the bell" and "dead ringer."  

After their arrest, the robbers' defence at trial  argued that if not for their interference, this woman would have been buried alive.  The judge disagreed.  They were both executed and their bodies were sent one last time to the medical school.  

On that lighthearted note, we move to our second theme: humour.  It's probably there to compensate for all the morbid bits anyway...  

Take for instance the origin of the English word 'loo' for toilet.  Given the water in Edinburgh in historical times was unsafe to drink, the populace relied instead on a steady supply of beer.  Also, given the lack of indoor plumbing, people generally emptied their chamber pots out the window into the open gutters below.  To avoid disgusting passers-by, the city passed an ordinance requiring that chamber pots only be emptied near dawn and dusk.  

After a long day's work, the city's labourers would head to the pub to quench their thirst.  Stumbling home, ladies in the towering houses above would shout, "Guardee loo!", a derivation of the French, "Guardez-vous," before hurling poop onto the street below.  Those who were sober stepped aside.  Those who were drunk looked up.  Your imagination can tell you the rest.    Clearly someone in city planning had a sense of humour though. 

Edinburgh has since installed a fancy new plumbing system.

Scotland is so speckled with castles and churches that at any spot in the county, you can pick a stone, throw it, and hit one (Note:  This is not as much factual as it is speculative, but we think it is likely factual too.)  Of the many churches we saw in Scotland, the most exceptional may be St Gile's Cathedral in Edinburgh.  

Gothic arches and stained glass windows at St. Gile's Cathedral.

Why of all churches this one?  Aside from the stained glass windows, the Gothic arches, and the mosaic floors -- all to be expected in any cathedral worth its name -- St Gile's boasts a statue of an angel playing the bagpipes.  Although the original intention may have been solemn, staring up at an intricately carved stone ceiling featuring a celestial choir of angels playing harps and lyres, with one lone cherub squeezing a set of bagpipes, you can't help but giggle.

Bag-pipe playing angel.

After Edinburgh we rented a car and headed up to the Orkney Islands, a five hour drive  north on some very windy roads followed by an hour and a half long ferry.  Most visitors would not venture this far afield but our adventurous friends Shelly and John had recommended it highly to us.  Convincing Adam to take this long journey was made much easier by the fact that the Highland Park Distillery, makers of the award-winning "Best Spirit in the World" for two years running is there.  

There are many similarities between the Scottish and Irish countrysides.  One in particular  is unmissable: in both countries the people are outnumbered by the sheep.  These are not just any sheep though; they're Punk-rocker sheep.  

Friendly Scottish sheep.  The punk rocker sheep were too aloof to capture.

To identify ownership, the shepherds in Scotland and Ireland spray-paint a patch of the sheep's coat with a particular fluorescent colour.  They spray their rumps and their sides, and better still between their ears, making them look like teenage sheep with fluorescent mohawks.  Like other sheep, they come up to you and baa, but these ones look like they should have piercings and maybe a cigarette dangling from their bottom lip.  

Arriving at the Highland Park distillery in the Orkney Islands,  we met a lovely gift shop cashier who had lived in the north of Scotland all of her life. She embarked on some typical friendly conversation. Where we were from? Where else were we travelling?  We told her that we were travelling around the world.  Speaking slowly so as not to hide her incredulity she tried to double-check her ears:

"You're travelling all around the world did you say?"  

"Yup!" we proudly replied.

She burst into laughter.  "Of all places on your round the world trip, why on earth would you pick here?!  Did you just open a map, close your eyes, point, and say, 'I think we'll go there?'"  

With tears in her eyes, she summoned her friend and said, "Listen to this Deirdre, these two are travelling around the whole world.  So naturally they decided to come HERE to the ORKNEYS!"  Within seconds, the two of them were barrelled over, patting each other's backs, giggling and pointing.  We stood there slack-jawed not knowing whether to be embarrassed or join them. 

The gift shop included displays of some very unique scotches.  This brings us to the third theme of our trip: Memory Loss.  Some of these scotches were very impressive...and very expensive.  There was a 50 year old scotch that was aged in Japan.  It cost 940 pounds per bottle.  Another bottle was 60 years old, priced at 10,000 pounds.  

As impressive as this is, the story behind these two bottles was ridiculous.  Since Japan has a passion for Scotch -- Apparently Lost in Translation was right --  they decided to send some barrels over to a Japanese distillery to allow them to age for 15 years and then sell them to the Japanese market.  Highland Park then forgot about them.  Maybe they were drinking too much of their own product.  50 years later, the Japanese distillery rather courteously called Highland Park and asked them if they had a plan for these barrels.  They now sell is in Scotland for ten times the price they had planned for Japan thirty-five years earlier.  

The 10,000 pound bottle was also the result of some inaccurate record keeping.  These 'misplaced' casks were found entirely by accident when rearranging their storage room.  Benign neglect as an investment strategy seems to work in Scotland.  

Forgotten antiquities.

Adam and I have a little rule that we follow to help us when we meet someone on the street and we can't remember the person's name.  If we haven't introduced the person within the first two minutes, the other will introduce themselves in an effort to find out their name:  

Me:  "I'm sorry, I don't think we've met.  I'm Aislinn."  

Them:  "Oh, nice to meet you, I'm Tom. Adam and I go way back."  

Adam:  "Oh, I'm so sorry, how rude of me, I forgot to introduce you two," with a wink to Aislinn.

The Scots have developed an ingenious society-wide solution for this very problem. When you meet someone on the street, instead of saying, "Hello so-and-so! How are you?"  You instead say, "Ay, it's you!"  It's as simple as that. With those three words, you avoid all the discomfort and embarrassment of forgetting someone's name.  Clearly you know who they are.  You just said so.  In fact, in Scotland by using this technique you may never need to know someone's name.  

We then wondered, how did this originate?  We suspect it could be the result of many generations of scotch drinkers suffering from hangovers and memory loss.  (Note:  Sorry to those who experience either the Adam and Aislinn technique, or the Scotland "Ay it's you!" technique, we're both really bad with names as are the Scots.)